pandemic jokes

 

1. Why did the chicken cross the road?  Because the chicken behind it didn’t know how to socially distance properly.
2. Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings. One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”
3. Who’s idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.
4. My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
5. Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.
6. My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day. But look at me now, ma! I’m saving the world!
7. After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.
8. If I keep stress-eating at this level, the buttons on my shirt will start socially distancing from each other.
9. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
10. Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent. Then it Dawned on me.
11. Being quarantined with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot glued to your shoulder
12. I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch them with a six-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are    
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